Sunday, April 25, 2010

Torture

The dream is now constant. It’s like I’ve forgotten that I work at all, and all my memories are of this awful, never-ending dream. I could swear I spend all my time in the Ministry of Love, because the my dream is so vivid and prominent in my mind during all my waking hours. It’s a horrible dream, a continuous drawl of torture and desperate confessions. I wake every morning already tired, and so desperate for a break. It seems like my time in reality is becoming less palpable than my dream, like my dream can overtake true reality and become what is real. That is the most horrifying of all, the knowledge that this is coming, and I have no way to stop it. I can almost believe already that the Party controls reality, because I’ve been through it so much in sleep. It’s like unorthodoxy is being driven out of me, without any external force acting upon me. Perhaps this is how I’m trying to save myself.

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